A series of difficult experiences, pain and chronic fatigue brought Ian to a low that lasted for more than five years. The tide turned when he encountered some key community organisations and received a bike. Ian now cycles most days to the communities he’s a part of, whether to access their services or to volunteer.
No chance to pick myself up
I was having an unthinkably difficult time. Six or seven of the most terrible things happened to me over a steady period. Having to care for both parents when they were terminally ill and then deal with contested probate weren’t the worst. At the start I was quite capable of picking myself up, dusting off and getting on with living. By the end I was just trampled into the dust and before I could take in what had happened the next terrible thing would roll over me.
Everywhere I turned for help would find some reason for rejection. Repeating application after application was draining what little energy I had. Efforts to shake off depression with activity only worsened the exhaustion.
By lockdown I was at such a low point it barely made a difference. It was a long blur of not leaving the house, not getting dressed, washed or eating properly. I was very malnourished, constantly fatigued and in physical pain.
Finding the right kind of support
I finally came across one agency that was genuine. I can’t understate how helpful their simple welcome cafe was as a safe place to go and leave my problems at home for a few hours. They also directed me to other genuine agencies. This lead to a conversation with two ladies from NHS mental health services. I said that I had finally found activities that were helpful but walking to them was causing so much pain that I would be immobile for days and isolation and depression would come back. They asked if a bike would help. Something possessed me to say “yes” at which point Lydia and John happened to walk through the door and I was signed up before I could think how to back out.
Would I even be able to cycle?
I spent the weeks waiting for the bike wondering what I had done. I couldn’t even stand at my sink and wash up in one go, how was I going to ride a bike? Feeling obliged to give it my best attempt, I found that cycling was tiring my thighs but in a way I could deal with. Walking had been tiring my calves, making the chronic fatigue worse. My calves still hurt all the time but, with my bike, this is no longer such a limit on mobility.
Trying to try
I’ve always been self-reliant and solved my own problems but during those years, nothing worked. The level of problems I was struggling with was getting more and more basic. Been defeated for such a long time, getting back into a mindset of problem solving was a huge task. I had tried to force that change so many times and it had only gone wrong.
Life these days
Giving back to the Essex Pedal Power (EPP) community has helped me overcome that. I now volunteer regularly for EPP; at giveaways, building new bikes, refurbishing donated old ones and helping out at Dr Bike sessions.
It isn’t just mechanical skills that have recovered. Mental trauma means I still struggle with domestic admin but problem solving in the workshop is helping me rebuild self-confidence here too. I’m not only getting active and self-reliant again but helping other people. I am recovering the joy of being creative, of being innovative of learning new skills, but most of all, passing those skills on to others. As well as giving away bikes, the future will see me leading some EPP social rides and ‘learn to fix’ sessions.
I use my bike everyday, accessing services but volunteering for them as well. Riding is giving me a greater sense of freedom than I had with a car. That and the exercise are helping improve both my physical and mental health. Once a week I cycle from Basildon to either Southened or Chelmsford, about fifteen miles each way. I ride socially with EPP or solo for exercise sporadically. By the time this is published I should have completed a 75km charity ride.
Looking back
Often a little thing can make a big difference where much greater efforts have failed. The bike itself is the smallest part of the help I’ve had from Essex Pedal power. The support I’ve had becoming useful and appreciated again has been so powerful, whether from EPP or the other charities I’m now better able to access. That’s how I’m rebuilding my confidence and what’s getting me back on track. It’s not just the bike, it’s everything that goes around it.
For anyone else who is struggling like I was, I’d say be positive, be open minded. If you find yourself around the wrong kinds of people or support, just move on and try and find the right people. There’s not enough space to name them all but I would like to thank all the right people who have helped me.
